their immediate reaction is to associate it with
weakness. In general, men are raised to withhold
their emotions, to not show weakness, and to
ignore any hint of introspection. On top of that,
most of the popular pick up advice out there
encourages guys to be aloof, stand-offish,
judgmental and at times scathing towards
women.
Men have a lot of negative assumptions about
the ideas of being more vulnerable and opening
up to their emotions. Chances are it makes you a
little skeptical or queazy to see this chapter.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to have you hold
hands with some wimpy support group and recite
lines like, “I love myself and am a happy person.”
I want you to think of vulnerability in a more
broad way. Not just emotional vulnerability
(although we’ll get to that), but physical
vulnerability, social vulnerability.
For instance, making yourself vulnerable doesn’t
just mean being willing to share your fears or
insecurities. It can mean putting yourself in a
position where you can be rejected, saying a joke
that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that
may offend others, joining a table of people you
don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and
want to date her. All of these things require you
to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in
some way. You’re making yourself vulnerable
when you do them.
power, a deep and subtle form of power. A man
who’s able to make himself vulnerable is saying
to the world, “I don’t care what you think of me;
this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.”
He’s saying he’s not needy and that he’s high
status.
Most people think of a man who’s vulnerable as a
man who cowers in the corner and begs others to
accept him or not hurt him. This is not
vulnerability, this is weakness and neediness.
Think of it this way, there are two men. One
stands tall, looks straight ahead. Looks people in
the eye when he speaks to them. Says what he
thinks and is unconcerned with what others think
of him. When he makes a mistake, he shrugs it
off and maybe apologizes. When he sucks at
something, he admits it. He’s unafraid to express
his emotions, even if that means he gets rejected.
He has no problem moving on to people who
don’t reject him, but like him for who he is.
Now, the second man hunches over, eyes dart
around and is unable to look someone in the eye
without getting uncomfortable. He puts on a cool
persona that is always aloof. He avoids saying
things that may upset others, and sometimes
even lies to avoid conflict. He’s always trying to
impress people. When he makes a mistake, he
tries to blame others or pretend like it didn’t
happen. He hides his emotions and will smile and
tell everyone he’s fine even when he’s not. He’s
scared to death of rejection. And when he is
rejected, it sends him reeling, angry, and
desperate to find a way to win back the affection
of the person who doesn’t like him.
Which one of these two men is more powerful?
Which one is more vulnerable? Which one is
more comfortable with himself? Which one do
you think women would be more attracted to?
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